We lived through scars this time…

One year anniversary of my mom’s passing. James Bay’s Scars is my song for her.

The opening reminds me of my last few visits watching her fade physically and mentally. She was exhausted. I get it.
You’re setting off, It’s time to go, the engine’s running
My mind is lost, We always knew this day was coming
And now it’s more frightening than it’s ever gonna be
Our relationship was touch and go. We loved each other deeply. I knew she failed to protect me and many others. So we were very close and at the same time quite distant. In this verse I see her leaving this painful existence and imagine a reunion where I can hold her again.
We grow apart, I watch you on the red horizon
Your lion’s heart Will protect you under stormy skies
And I will always be listening for your laughter and your tears
And as soon as I can hold you once again
I won’t let go of you, I swear
I knew she was herself traumatized and suffering from life-long scars of her own. I had to fight back the anger not knowing how much was genuine and how much was projection of my own self-loathing for failing to protect many others.
We lived through scars this time
But I’ve made up my mind
We can’t leave us behind anymore
In this verse I see her death and then a flashback to a phone call.
Your hands are cold,
Your lips are turning blue, you’re shaking
This fragile heart,
So heavy in my chest, it’s breaking
And in the dark, you try to make a pay phone call to me
During that phone call she started to apologize for her past and said she should have gotten help for … and then she named someone other than me. My silence was heard and she quickly added, “and you too!”
But you’re miles away, You’re breaking up, you’re on your own
It’s hard to take, I need an hour just to say hello
But I can’t make the truth of this work out for you or me
And for all the pennies in your pocket
We barely get a second just to speak
So, yeah, we lived through a lot of scars in this time. This short 58 years together here on earth. No amount of talking, laughing, tears, or pain could remove the scars. And the truth of that defined us.
We lived through scars this time
But I’ve made up my mind
We can’t leave us behind anymore
So we’ll just have to hurt for now. For this life. For this time. But next time… when next we meet…
We’ll have to hurt for now
But next time there’s no doubt
‘Cause I can’t go without you anymore
Oh, no, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Yeah yeah
We lived through scars this time
But I’ve made up my mind
No, we can’t leave us behind anymore
We’ll have to hurt for now
But next time, there’s no doubt
‘Cause I can’t go without you anymore
No I can’t go without you anymore

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